A Throwback Kinda Guy

The last time I made a laundry list of qualities I wanted in a mate, God (being the comedian He is) gave me exactly what I asked for. This taught me a very valuable lesson: we silly humans don't know what the hell we really want/need. (And also, I apparently wasn't specific enough when I made that list. I failed to request "Not a cheater" and "Not an emotional hot mess." My bad.)

So in devising a new list for my next four-year-long disaster (because, apparently, I've learned not a thing), I've decided that I want a throwback dude: a clean-shaven crooner who has style, grace, and knows how to make a mean dirty martini. (Extra olives, please.) In short, I'd love me some Michael Buble. (But chances are pretty slim that that specifically is going to work out. For starters, I really don't want to date someone who primarily chases models. I mean, I eat.)

I typically lust after wannabe rock stars who (apparently) don't know what shaving is (nor deodorant), and wouldn't know how to treat a real lady (read: not a skank) if their oh-so-bohemian lives depended on it. But I'm changing it up. I like to bathe and smell nice, so it's high time I find a guy who likes to do the same. And champagne. There should be more champagne. Girls like bubbles. And sparkly things.

Now I'm not saying I want a squeaky clean square. I do love a boy with a lil swagger and sass all his own. But classiness has been underrated in my book for far too long, and I intend to remedy this oversight starting now.

Where, pray tell, will I find such a prize in Dallas, you ask? No effing clue.

Ain't that a kick in the head?