I want to take a moment to tell you about a horrible epidemic that is sweeping our fair, feeble country...
It's called Head Up Your Assness, or HUYA (hoo-yah).
HUYA affects millions of Americans, particularly around the holiday season when people are gathered en masse. If there is a sale or limited parking involved, HUYA can flare beyond control and may result in riots or even death.
You may observe someone who exhibits symptoms of HUYA: the guy walking aimlessly right down the middle of the walkway and thus preventing anyone from passing at a reasonable pace; the woman who has stopped her car at a green light for no apparent reason. HUYA sufferers have been known to slam into you as you stand patiently in line to purchase some shiny baubles for your favorite blogess (diamonds, if you please), mutter a sorry excuse for an apology, and wander away as screaming children swing from their appendages. (This may also be a symptom of Your Child Needs a Spanking, so check with your doctor before beginning any long-term treatment.)
Or you yourself may fall victim to this insidious disease. Do you find yourself asking, "Now what was I going to do today?" only to realize that you've forgotten socks (again) and can't recall the last time you took your birth control pills. (Oh. Shit.) Do you suddenly realize you've been watching the Oxygen channel for fours hours straight and have no explanation whatsoever for doing so?
If so, ask your doctor about an effective new treatment for HUYA called Get Your Shit Together. This groundbreaking solution will have you feeling like your old, attentive self in no time (or, if that has never been you, someone who is not annoying).
Side effects of Get Your Shit Together include not losing friends, avoiding public beatings, headaches, peace of mind, and better, restful sleep.
You should not use Get Your Shit Together if you cannot make lists and stick to them, if you have uncontrolled ADD or ADHD, or if your doctor has recommended a full-blown lobotomy.
Don't miss your chance to participate as an appropriate, non-infuriating member of society. Get Your Shit Together today and don't let Head Up Your Assness steal another moment of bliss from your holiday season!
This message brought to you by the Coalition of Citizens Against Rampant Idiocy.
Wow. Very nice. Finally someone with the guts to speak out against this epidemic. Its people like you who will one day help eradicate HUYA. I thank you because if I ever have children I hope they can play safe in the streets without having to worry about HUYA.
ReplyDelete"It's been a bad day, please don't take a picture" much? :P But it's true, yo. Normally with the Human Rights thing here, and your inalienable rights, I would be on a soapbox about maintaining these, but when HUYA (I think you're going to make it a thing) affects those around you, it ceases to be remain 'your own business'. But how do we combat the HUYA of others? Forcefeed them GYST? (That just sounds icky.) I think we should raise an army of HUYA-vigilantes to go out on the streets and administer appropriate doses of smacks-upside-your-head.
ReplyDeleteAhhh shiz. I definitely have a horrible case of HUYA, but I haven't wanted to come out about it just yet. I used to take adderol for it in college, but now that I don't have health insurance, it has become a problem- 10 fold.
ReplyDeleteHUYA... I LOVE IT!!!
ReplyDeleteIf you find the cure, I am forever in debt to you.
And here I thought the correct treatment for HUYA was a swift kick in the shins!
ReplyDelete