How Not to Get Smacked

I understand that every gal is different when it comes to the most effective wooing style. (Side note: How stupid is the term "wooing?") And though I am the first to throw a hissy fit when someone rubs me the wrong way (happens every 2.5 minutes while in public), I do feel it is a bit unfair to chastise guys for their lame ass attempts at catching a girl's attention if I don't provide a little insight into why certain strategies are wholly ineffective, if not extremely irritating. This is all from my perspective of course, and I am admittedly quite the bitch when out in public, especially in the typical "pick up" environments such as bars or clubs/lounges. But in an effort to quell my abrasiveness, I am going to simmer down and "talk" it out.

1. Girl's Nite Out - If you see a pack of cute chicks, dressed to the nines, chatting away, and completely ignoring every other aspect of their surroundings save for the perfect sing-along or booty-shaking tracks, leave them be. Guys, I know it's difficult to understand, but sometimes girls like to get dressed up just to look pretty. For each other. Nooooo, this does not mean we ogle each other's cleavage while pillow fighting and braiding ponytails. But we do enjoy getting fancy and dressing up to par with our beautiful, fashionable friends. The subsequent confidence and carefree vibe is what attracts you to this magnetic group in the first place, so look on in awe, appreciate, smile, and stay back. If one of these hunnies is interested, she'll catch your eye and step away from the pack. That's allowed. But let it be on our terms. Or face death by extreme ridicule and hateful stares. Your choice.

2. Dancing Queens - Whether you see another lovely pack of hot girls shaking their money makers on the dance floor or just a few pretty ladies amongst the crowd, be sure to respect their dancing space, as well as their personal space. If you haven't uttered so much as a word to each other, do not immediately sneak up behind Hot Girl and start grinding your baby maker into her backside. NOT. COOL. This is way creepy and may get you punched in the jimmies. Stay a respectful distance when approaching (FROM THE FRONT) and wait for two things: (1) her to catch your eye and smile, and (2) her to orient herself toward you. If she turns her back to you (or is doing the sprinkler, in which case you should just bow down in awe and let her bring the house down in peace), or starts doing the pseudo-lezzy dance* with a girlfriend, grab the boys and back away with grace.

3. Wingman - If a pretty lady is standing with or around another guy and clearly chatting with him, this is not some sort of challenge to which you must step up. (And while we're at it, if you see a ring on that finger, don't be an asshole. I don't care if she is undressing you her with your eyes. Don't be an accessory to adultery. Ever.) This gentleman could be a "platonic friend" (don't even get me started on that...) or even a brother, but until you know for sure, don't swagger over like Don Friggin' Juan and start spitin' your game at this girl. The assumption of availability can be both insulting and get you in big trouble. There is nothing more off-putting that being out with a new guy and having some asshat follow y'all around, trying to wedge himself between you two. If I was interested in having you holler at me, I'd keep my distance from any other guy so as to seem single-and-ready-to-mingle, not cozied up enjoying my date.

Now, I am the first to admit my hypocrisy in that I tend to be drawn to aloof jerks, but I am also exceedingly stern when it comes to respecting boundaries.

I am a riddle, wrapped in cynicism, topped with chocolate sprinkles.

Have a great weekend and try to behave.

*I am not a huge fan of this tactic, but I have had enough experiences with disrespectful guys who don't get the subtle hints (such as back turned--not an invite, by the way--toward them, avoiding eye contact, shaking head "no," etc.) that I understand why a lot of gals do this. Though, even that's failing anymore. Jerks.