I just seduced the hell out of you...in my head.

I have a very bad and lame habit. Like, painfully lame. And so I am going to tell you all about it...

When an exciting outing is on the horizon--particularly if said outing includes someone (totally undeserving of my lust and affection) on whom I have an inappropriate crush--I rehearse in my head how things would play out if all went according to my master plan: my outfit would be rockin (as I'd somehow managed to lose five pounds in my love handles and gain it all back in my chest overnight); I'd have the best hair day ever and my bangs WOULD NOT fall into my face all night long; the most witty, flirtatious banter would fly out of my mouth, followed by the perfect balance of come-hither eyes and "I'm gonna hurt you...in the good way" smiles; I'd throw back drinks like the saucy little minx I am (again, in my head) without the slightest slur or misstep.

For those of you who know me, you're laughing right now. Because the girl above? Not me. I am usually pulling up my too-tight pants a hundred times to keep my biscuits from spilling over the edges. (Hot.) I have two drinks and start talking mad shit (...not the sexy kind). I make eyes at the cutie across the bar, only to visit the bathroom and notice my eyeliner has smudged all over my lower lids. (Hot. Mess.) And just get me in touching distance of a hot guy; you've never seen a bigger, bumbling fool. I couldn't muster up charming banter if my life depended on it, nor could I avoid spilling my drink all over my shoe. And his. While sober.

But in my wildest imagination, I am absolutely irresistible. You don't even know. If only all this "rehearsal" would pay off. Maybe some day...when I'm all grows up. Look out, fellas!