Humorous Pregnancy Realities

There are plenty of posts and articles out there that will warn you all about the unexpected realities of being pregnant and having children. So much so, in fact, that it's fair to say you've been effectively warned. Be it the truths of the quippy, borderline-gross variety, or those heartwarming little ditties that you feel like you have to read just to continue on (as though there were anything to do about it anyway once you see those double lines).

But I've realized as I enter my 35th week -- which, WHAT THE WHAT -- that there are certain humorous elements of pregnancy that I've yet to be warned about. They're small, and it's highly possible that these are unique to this little girl, ever full of grace. (So much not.) But they're very real, and I thought I'd share some with you, dear readers.

The Shiz No One Tells You When You're Expecting

• When you bathe, you will absolutely, 100% feel like a walrus. Perhaps if you have a very large tub, you'll feel slightly more elegant, like, say, a seal. But when you sink down in your average, builder-grade tub to get a nice soak and hopefully bring some relief to your aching back and hips, you're going to have to do a little rotisserie action to actually clean your whole body. And then you'll be stuck because your tiny wrists are no match for the behemoth that is your body these days.
• Every time you wash your hands, you will absolutely end up with water on your belly. You don't have to be a vigorous washer or anything, and it's not like we're talking scrubbing in for surgery. If you're near a sink, you will have water splatter all over your lower belly. Step back to wash...same thing. Belly is a magnet for wayward drops. And cookie crumbs.
• Want to get out of bed? Roll it out, Mama. There is no sitting up, no sliding out, just roll and hope for the best. Hopefully you don't land on one of the eleventy pillows you now need to get mediocre sleep. Make that effort count by waiting a few extra minutes and just knock out two bathroom breaks while you're at it.
• You will run into everything. It's like your protruding tummy is a magnet for every chair, every corner, every bookcase, every doorway...you just will hit them. Eight feet of open space? Oh, you'll find something to nick. Promise.
• Showering. It's nearly as awesome as bathing. Sure, you're upright, but want to give you feet a little rub rub? Yeah, it's not going to happen. Leg shaving will render you breathless -- not in the good way -- and you may pass out. In fact, it's very likely. A shower spotter would be advisable, but really, ain't nobody want to see that.
• Whatever someone just told you, or whatever you just told them, it will evaporate from your brain the moment it's said. Write it down, record it, maybe hire a scribe. But your ability to remember anything is shot. Going to the store for a single thing? You must take a note. You will not remember said item. You will remember, however, Hostess Cupcakes.
• Your appetite at some point will likely tank. You'll know you need to eat, but nothing will sound good, and the concept of having to select 3-5 meals a day will leave you so overwhelmed that you can't even. You might cry over the mention of the word "lunch." You still, however gain weight, and when you have just enough energy to get dressed, sit for 8 hours, and maybe eek out a meal (i.e. cereal all around), you'll also be told how important it is to exercise throughout the pregnancy. Just. Shut. Up.

But, here is it, the obligatory "it's all worth it." And truth? Duh. Of course it's worth it. Making a human is awesome. The reality that the constantly-moving little dude in your belly will some day hug you, draw you pictures, and make your family something new and amazing is something else. It's too good. 

So yes, you will feel like a clumsy buffalo for months on end, but you'll also get to be a mommy. Fair deal in my book, y'all.